I’m a little grossed out right now. Amused also, but…the gross-iosity is currently winning the battle for overall emotion.

It all started with a stupid joke post called Torturing the Animals, which, for the record, was about annoying the dogs with a silly Mardi Gras hat.

However.

It seems some search engine has taken the title at face value, and now I’m getting some pretty f’ed up search terms. Things became exponentially nastier once I added in Alison’s prom. I wanted to write this post to make a big joke about how no matter how bizarre (and/or illegal) your predilections, the web will serve something up for you and make you feel normal.

Only once I started this post I realized I can’t list the search phrases, since including them in here will just reinforce Google & co’s algorithms.

So, to give you an idea of the kind of weirdo we’re suddenly keeping company with, let’s play a little mad-lib, shall we?

A typical phrase goes something like this:

(racial epithet)(violent verb)(intimate female body part) Exciting bonus points: (age specificity)

(large animal)(explicit verb, present tense) Exciting bonus points: (excrement (seriously))

(age specificity)(state of extreme inebriation)(High school dance of the sort my daughter didn’t actually have) (explicit verb, present tense)

(adolescent)(drug often slipped into an unsuspecting target’s drink to render them…pliable)Exciting bonus points: (family member)

(strangely specific body part description)(adjective)(violent fetish) Scary bonus points: (ways to end a person’s life)

I used actual searches that have appeared multiple times, in multiple ways- but what amazes me is that this is all internal data. That means that these people got to the site, looked around and said to themselves “I bet they’ve cleverly hidden the really good stuff away. I’ll check!”

If you’re one of those people, please do me a favor: (colorful verb, present tense) off. Thank you.

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