Posts Tagged ‘google’

I’m a little grossed out right now. Amused also, but…the gross-iosity is currently winning the battle for overall emotion.

It all started with a stupid joke post called Torturing the Animals, which, for the record, was about annoying the dogs with a silly Mardi Gras hat.

However.

It seems some search engine has taken the title at face value, and now I’m getting some pretty f’ed up search terms. Things became exponentially nastier once I added in Alison’s prom. I wanted to write this post to make a big joke about how no matter how bizarre (and/or illegal) your predilections, the web will serve something up for you and make you feel normal.

Only once I started this post I realized I can’t list the search phrases, since including them in here will just reinforce Google & co’s algorithms.

So, to give you an idea of the kind of weirdo we’re suddenly keeping company with, let’s play a little mad-lib, shall we?

A typical phrase goes something like this:

(racial epithet)(violent verb)(intimate female body part) Exciting bonus points: (age specificity)

(large animal)(explicit verb, present tense) Exciting bonus points: (excrement (seriously))

(age specificity)(state of extreme inebriation)(High school dance of the sort my daughter didn’t actually have) (explicit verb, present tense)

(adolescent)(drug often slipped into an unsuspecting target’s drink to render them…pliable)Exciting bonus points: (family member)

(strangely specific body part description)(adjective)(violent fetish) Scary bonus points: (ways to end a person’s life)

I used actual searches that have appeared multiple times, in multiple ways- but what amazes me is that this is all internal data. That means that these people got to the site, looked around and said to themselves “I bet they’ve cleverly hidden the really good stuff away. I’ll check!”

If you’re one of those people, please do me a favor: (colorful verb, present tense) off. Thank you.

Apparently, Big Brother is always watching. Always. And communicating and sharing info with Little Brother, too.

It amazes me when the powers that be freak out about Microsoft’s power and control over things. Microsoft? They’re pikers. Google’s the puppetmaster. Think about it- we flock to them, and happily throw our information at them.

Want to know about my friends? No problem, Gmail! Want to know what I’m interested in? Sure, in case my search words don’t give you enough data, I’ll just put all my blog subscriptions in your handy Google Reader! Need my permission to keep track of visitors to my website? No problem, Analytics! Oh, don’t forget to record every website I visit- and in the unlikely event I’m away from the computer for any length of time, I’ll set up my calendar so you’ll know where I am at every moment!

And we love them for it. Because, unlike so many other computerized things, it actually works, and we are a people desperate for competence.

But every so often, their Man-behind-the-curtain act slips, and it gives me pause. This morning, Google started throwing really strange ads at me, and I couldn’t imagine why…until I remembered that I ordered a book from Amazon yesterday about the Borgias.

To distract myself from the likelihood that these two powerhouses apparently shared a latte and discussed my purchasing peccadilloes, I clicked the Boria link:

Wow. What an interesting way to start your lives together, potential newlyweds- and I’m not even talking about the $2,000 a day it costs to stay there. Let’s learn a little about the Borgias, so we can appreciate the symbolism as you set off on your new life, shall we? The website wishes to inform us that (emphasis mine):

Spanish BORJA, descendants of a noble line, originally from Valencia, Spain, that established roots in Italy and became prominent in ecclesiastical and political affairs in the 1400s and 1500s. The house of the Borgias produced two popes and many other political and church leaders.
Some members of the family became known for their treachery.

Uh, yeah, you could say that the family was known for their treachery. Two horny, murderous and corrupt popes, political alliances, incest, poisonings, and the inspiration for Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”

Ah, Machiavelli. That brings us back to google & their world takeover (and you thought I’d forgotten where this started).

I’ll leave off with this tidbit: google has (seriously: link) reserved the ‘Machiavellian’ name for a future product release. You can’t be more up front than that. We have been warned.