Posts Tagged ‘Inappropriate’

I’ve been getting down to the end of the business stuff, and I found a big ol’ bag of inappropriate beads we’d collected but never actually showcased. Time to clear them out, so I’m going to start photographing the ones I hadn’t already done and putting them up online.

And aren’t these ladies a classy pair? I wonder if they’re meant to symbolize anything? They’re so subtle, it’s hard to say…

If I had to choose, though, I’d say goldie on the left is my favorite. Crime fighting hooker. Haven’t seen that one since:

You know, I think the plastic bead girls could act just as well.

Maybe we’ll even start having a contest to get rid of all these, because I found out I’m a wimp- I hate throwing them out to the crowd at Mardi Gras.

Alison was confused when she was 10 or 11 and caught a naked lady bead. I’ll never forget the look on her face as she held the stripper immortalized in plastic up for my inspection.

“Why did he think this would be a good bead for me, Mommy?”

Yikes. So I guess I’ll have to find another way of disposal. Let me know if anybody’s interested…

I’m a little grossed out right now. Amused also, but…the gross-iosity is currently winning the battle for overall emotion.

It all started with a stupid joke post called Torturing the Animals, which, for the record, was about annoying the dogs with a silly Mardi Gras hat.

However.

It seems some search engine has taken the title at face value, and now I’m getting some pretty f’ed up search terms. Things became exponentially nastier once I added in Alison’s prom. I wanted to write this post to make a big joke about how no matter how bizarre (and/or illegal) your predilections, the web will serve something up for you and make you feel normal.

Only once I started this post I realized I can’t list the search phrases, since including them in here will just reinforce Google & co’s algorithms.

So, to give you an idea of the kind of weirdo we’re suddenly keeping company with, let’s play a little mad-lib, shall we?

A typical phrase goes something like this:

(racial epithet)(violent verb)(intimate female body part) Exciting bonus points: (age specificity)

(large animal)(explicit verb, present tense) Exciting bonus points: (excrement (seriously))

(age specificity)(state of extreme inebriation)(High school dance of the sort my daughter didn’t actually have) (explicit verb, present tense)

(adolescent)(drug often slipped into an unsuspecting target’s drink to render them…pliable)Exciting bonus points: (family member)

(strangely specific body part description)(adjective)(violent fetish) Scary bonus points: (ways to end a person’s life)

I used actual searches that have appeared multiple times, in multiple ways- but what amazes me is that this is all internal data. That means that these people got to the site, looked around and said to themselves “I bet they’ve cleverly hidden the really good stuff away. I’ll check!”

If you’re one of those people, please do me a favor: (colorful verb, present tense) off. Thank you.

I’ll be honest with you- I have cop issues. Other than my Catholic upbringing, there’s no reason for me to look at that uniform and expect him to randomly drag me off to jail. Maybe it’s some sort of Priest-transference thing, I don’t know.

So maybe I’m the wrong person to ask about these, but- ug. Closeups after the jump.

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First off, he’s clearly gay.

Second, even HE is rolling his eyes and grimacing at the spectacle.

But I vow to do better- I have to, if I’m gonna get them all in before Mardi Gras day.

To do that, I’m going to combine a couple of similar beads- into themes, if you will.

So today’s theme is…uh…amorous pigs. The funny thing is that these are from two different places, though the piggies seem awfully similar. By far my favorite part is the folded down ear of the ‘bottom.’ Read the rest of this entry »

This one’s the first really inappropriate on a physical level.

So here’s the banner on the bead…offensive only for its outdated stupidity (Austin Powers from like a decade ago? C’mon…):

For the rest, continue on (NSFW):
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What is there to say about this one? It’s got it all. Elegant stickers stuck on plastic with uplifting messages. Interesting choice of states, though…New York I get. Aggression, etc. Florida…well, if you were driving around in God’s waiting room I imagine you’d get frustrated too. I’d like to think the Texas one is a political statement about our eminent statesman from there.

But California? See, this is what bothers me. Ya gotta put a little effort into these things, people…

This is a question I got from a customer a few weeks ago… and a few weeks before that, and before that ad nauseum.

We made a conscious choice way back when to be ‘tit and toke free’- no nakedy type beads, no drug beads.

Not ’cause we’re prudish, ya’ll understand, but because:

• a) I hate the sterotype that you’ve gotta whip off yer shirt down here and
• b) I’m not interested in policing the ages on the site, especially since so much of our stuff is kidbait.

Plus, we sell lots of bead packs of random stuff, and I’d hate to have some 6 year old open the box and say, “Mommy, what’s this??”

But people do ask, and when we’re sourcing, we often find the most wretched things. We’ve started a little collection of these things and decided to share ‘em. So here’s the first in a series we’re calling Inappropriate products. We’re starting off going easy on you- I suppose you could almost say these are marginal, but…classy, classy, classy.